Most of a year has passed since I posted about losing our baby Shiloh through miscarriage. It has been a long, hard several months. We have grieved hard and enjoyed some good things. I wish I had a happier update, but 3 weeks ago we lost baby Jessie at 9 weeks.
History has a way of repeating itself and apparently, we missed a lesson the first time.
I spent much of this morning deeply studying the Bible and other resources; something I honestly haven’t been doing nearly as much as I should lately. As promised, it spoke to me and gave me some much-needed insight.
I know I struggle with feeling empty and rejected–that is why I thought I needed the study–but I thought I was doing ok with the feeling deprived part. Then I read it.
“When my eyes see the shiny, sexy, and slick things others have, I can become laser focused that I need something to make my life more shiny. Justifications come easy. Rationalizations numb my conscience. Be it a possession, person, or position, I’m lured by the intoxicating notion that I can sneak outside the will of God to get what I want and It’s no big deal.”
I’m not as into the “shiny, sexy, or slick things” but when I see all of the happy family pictures posted on Mother’s Day and all of the cute tributes, I want that. I want a whole family-children to raise, a messy house, busyness, group family activities, and to be part of the mom clubs. Being different is lonely.
It also hit me that wanting a child may actually be “outside the will of God”. Yes, we are supposed to go forth and multiply, but maybe we aren’t supposed to do it now. Sure, we are getting older, but that never stopped God before. Yeah, I don’t want to be 50 and chasing toddlers, but maybe that is what is best for us.
Maybe we are supposed to adopt or foster. As much as would like a child with his eyes and my hair, perhaps He has something better in store for us.
Right now one message seems clear to me–and it is a hard one. Wait and draw near to Me. Apparently, I have to accept this as a time to get closer to God. To serve and find my place. To do things I will not be able to do when children come. And to pour into the children already in our lives. That last one is especially hard since it is a reminder of what we do not have and that I have never been especially good with kids. I was hoping to learn on our own while they were too young to remember my mistakes, but things can’t always go the way I want.
This isn’t the season I would choose, but it is the season I am in. I need to embrace it and live for now, not the season I am looking forward to. Yes, it is hard, but there are a lot of good things going on right now. I need time to grieve my babies and to find my calling and trust that in due time God will guide me to what is right. And be ok with whatever that looks like.